Create something sweet for your kiddos to give their friends!

Boundaries - tricky little things, aren’t they? Especially when it comes to loved ones, be it a family member or a close friend. Yet they’re so, so necessary. Boundaries are necessary to set at home with our spouses/partners and children; boundaries are necessary to set with our parents and siblings; boundaries are necessary to set with our oldest and dearest friends; and boundaries are necessary to set in the workplace, with clients, employees, co-workers, and peers. I’m the very definition of people pleaser (high achievers often are), and I’ve found setting boundaries and asking for what I need (two things that work hand-in-hand a lot) incredibly difficult. I would even say I’m terrible at it. I think we’ve been conditioned by society to believe (especially as women) that asking for what we want and/or need is a burden, and most likely we’ll get pushback. So we don’t ask - and we don’t set boundaries. Yet without boundaries, we’ll get steamrolled. Example: I’ve spent the past ten years a slave to my phone, always feeling I’ve had to answer calls, texts, and emails from clients within the hour (that’s the problem with everyone being so connected these days - a quick response is expected). How stupid. I told my therapist just the other day, “I’ve taken several trips since starting my company, but I haven’t had a single mental vacation. I’m always on, always connected.” How sad is that? I’ve long dealt with high functioning anxiety (simply put: I seem fine to those around me, and I’m extremely productive, but internally? I’m a hot mess), and a lack of healthy boundaries has only amplified that. I’ve said “yes” far too many times, and “no” not nearly enough. I’ve kept from asserting myself and my needs, fearing I’d inconvenience others in doing so. I’ve run myself ragged. And I doubt, very highly, I’m the only one in this state - any of this sound familiar? I can tell you with complete confidence this line of thinking, this way of life has worn on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s not at all sustainable. Enough’s enough, amiright? My therapist recently tasked me with setting some healthy boundaries.. Was it a tall order? Yep. But man - it’s completely changed the game for me. Consider me a boundary junkie. An expert, of sorts (can I call myself that after a few short months? Cause I’m going to…). I’ve spent a lot of time reading up on setting boundaries, especially when it comes to doing so with those I’m closest to (because, let’s face it - that sucks), and I feel like I’ve cracked the code, in some respects. I’ve found a few key ways to do so that lessen the blow, so to say. I now have a boundary checklist, and I tick off each of the following five ways to set healthy boundaries every time I find myself needing to create one: Set them early. You know the saying: “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” To my point regarding us women being conditioned to believe that asking for what we need and/or want is a burden, this one’s tough - there’s a fear attached to setting a boundary, so we procrastinate when doing so. But if we don’t set that boundary right out the gate, it’s going to be tougher and tougher to get that person or entity to comply. That, and they’ll most likely be totally blindsided when we finally set it. Who can blame them? We’ve just spent days, weeks, months - even years - letting them think we’re good with something, when we’re really not… Logan and I have this conversation all the time. I’m the queen of internalizing issues and bringing them up well after the fact (he just loves it). When I do, and try to set parameters (boundaries) to keep the issue from persisting, he ends up blindsided and asks why I didn’t bring it up sooner. It also takes him a minute to adjust. I get it! It all stems from a fear of upsetting or burdening him. BUT, if you set a precedent from the start, your loved ones will always see that boundary as the way of things, and you’ll save yourself - and your loved ones - a lot of confusion and frustration. Be clear and concise so there’s no confusion. Speaking of confusion, spell it out so you don’t have any! Going back to that fear involved with setting boundaries - I tend to “ease my way in to setting a boundary,” afraid that I’ll come on too strong if I clearly outline things from the start, and upset whoever I’m setting the boundary with. But, in reality, being clear and concise will save both parties a lot of trouble. I feel like being clear and concise with a boundary is a lot like having a contract in place with a client. I love contracts, and I love them because they serve as a straightforward documentation of what both parties have agreed to. If ever there’s a question about the engagement, you simply check the contract! It outlines all conditions, and can keep disputes from getting messy. When you’re clear and concise about the boundaries you set, there’s never a question about where you stand, and it can actually save you and your loved ones from further issues down the line. Explain why this boundary is necessary and important to you. The topic of this post is setting boundaries with loved ones … Meaning, the people you’re setting boundaries with love you. If they love you (and I mean truly love you), your happiness will be important to them. If it’s not, show them the door. Explaining why a boundary is necessary and important to you may strengthen your case. If the person you’re setting the boundary with (and again, this is someone that loves you…) understands how that boundary might be good for you, they’re more likely to take it seriously and honor it. Pretty simple! Mean what you say. This one comes from my mom, and it’s in respect to my toddler, who’s pushing boundaries like crazy right now (which is a bit different than what we’re talking about here, but also similar in many respects…). Tonight, as I washed the dishes after dinner, I turned to find Olivia - face full of ketchup and mac and cheese - sliding across the kitchen island on her stomach. I promptly got on her, pulling her off the kitchen island and reminding her that wasn’t something we did. What did she do? She proceeded to get back up and do it again. And again. And again. Exhausting? Yes. Who wants to pull their kid off the kitchen island five times in a row? Yet it’s necessary, because not doing so will make Olivia think I’ll only go so far to enforce that rule or boundary. At some point, in her mind, I’ll give up and she can go back to doing it. I have to mean what I say. It’s no different when setting a boundary with a loved one. If you’ve established a new boundary, then let the person you’ve set that boundary with cross the line, they’re going to rightfully think they can cross the line again and again. Self-assertion is a scary but important thing. Stand strong in the parameters you’ve set for that boundary - mean what you say. Expect to be challenged (at least at first). Nerd alert: I’m the biggest Jurassic Park junkie. Like, literally counting down the days until the final Jurassic World film comes out, own every other movie and still stream them when they’re available on Netflix, and I very briefly considered getting one of the Jurassic Park branded Jeeps they have out. I’m a superfan. For those of you who haven’t seen it, the storyline in each of the movies largely revolves around the velociraptor - a carnivore both fierce and incredibly smart. In the very first movie (yes, this is a spoiler, but honestly, it came out almost 30 years ago, so my God, if this upsets you, I’m not sorry…), one of the park rangers talks about how the raptors regularly tested the fences, looking for weaknesses so they could escape. When we set boundaries, it’s not uncommon for those we set the boundaries with to “test the fences.” The more clear and concise we are, the less likely they are to test. BUT, it will probably happen. Hold firm - but understand that this may have something to do with them simply trying to further understand what those boundaries mean for them, and for their relationship with you. I’ve truly found that employing each of these tactics has helped immensely - and made the boundary setting process much less stressful and awkward, and much more empowering and gratifying. So, onward, you boundary setting goddess. Show ‘em how it’s done and take care of yourself!